The realization.

A couple weeks ago I was out backpacking in New Mexico with some folks from my church. Someone had asked me what time it was. I looked at my watched and replied "3:15". I then took a second look. My stomach sank. I felt like my intestines shifted. And then it hit me, "July 15th. I have one month until I leave. One month until everything changes."

It was no longer some far off date in the future that I would eventually get to like thinking about high school graduation when you're in 5th grade. It was real. And it was coming fast... Deep inhale Jenny... And exhale.

A couple days ago I was in my room folding laundry. My mom came in to tell me something about my sister or remind me of something I needed to do and then left. 2 minutes later she came back in my room. She looked at me and said, "I think I just realized you're leaving." I looked at her and nodded as if to say, "Yeah. I know that feeling." She walked over, sat next to me on my bed, put her arms around me, and tears fell from us both.

"I just want the best for you Jenny." I can hear her words replaying in my head and sniffling in the background, though I can't tell which of us is the sniffle originator. A few seconds of silence. "I'm really going to miss you." A few more seconds of silence. "You'll be wonderful. I know you will. You'll do great. I believe in you. I'm so proud."

I've increasingly thought more and more about the move the past week and go through waves of different emotions. Excitement. "It's a new location, a new life, new people, it's Washington DC! I'll learn so so so much, what an opportunity!" Doubt. "Will I be able to sufficiently help people? This is heavy stuff. Will I adjust? Can I do this?" Fear. "What have I got myself into? I've spent the majority of my life in Wylie, TX. Freaking Shelteredtown, USA. No, it's not even Shelteredtown. It's in the suburbs of Shelteredtown. You can't get much more protected! I've never lived in (actually IN) a big metropolitan city. Urban living? Really Jenny?!"

Those feelings happen unexpectedly, are intense, but fleeting. I'll get a rush of excitement and then I'm left not knowing what hit me or where the new jolt of energy I have came from. Similarily other times I'll be bombarded with anxious questions, I'll tense up, and on a couple occasions my eyes water and a tear drops. It all happens in no more than 5 seconds. I take and deep breath in... then exhale... There.

Those are the times when I hear a familiar voice replaying in my head. "You'll be wonderful. I know you will. You'll do great. I believe in you. I'm so proud." I hear my mom's voice, my dad's voice my best friends. I hear my Gloria Dei pals, old teammates, coworkers, my therapist. I hear the voices of those who know me best and those who don't know me well but regardlessly remain exceedingly supportive. All the wonderful people in my life. For several reasons, I don't use the word "blessed" much, but I can't think of a better time to reflect on how fortunate I am. Yes, I am extremely blessed. And finally, I start listening to and allowing myself to believe one last voice. It is the one and only voice that matters in a time of self doubt. I start listening to myself. "You'll do great. I believe in you." Breath in. "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." Breath out. "Get ready to serve. Get ready to learn. And enjoy."