People are just so dang...

It can be so overwhelming. Watching the news, listening to the radio, reading the paper, live news updates on my homepage updating me with the hour's tops news. A Wall Street fat cat screwing over the little guy for more money. Another man elected into public office caught in a sex scandal, or drug ring, or embezzlement scheme. Genocide in Darfur. Hate crimes reported to be on the rise. It has been said time and time again that the news can be overly depressing. Sometimes it just makes wonder how some people can appear to be so stupid, so conniving, so cruel.

I try to not let what I've just learned from the media bother me. I acknowledge the story, analyze what went on, explore the legitimacy or truth in the event, and go on with my day.

This past week I decided that I needed to create a network that I could lean on for support and report back to while I'm off in DC. I want to learn as much as I can in my new location. While processing alone is necessary, discussion with others is a beautiful and valuable compliment. I emailed the few people that I had saved as contacts in my email and then created a facebook group to get in touch with everyone else. I really had no idea who to select or where to draw the line. "This person is really cool, but I haven't talked to them in years. Would they even care?" "I see so-and-so pretty regularly, but don't know them well enough to share something as life changing as this experience will likely to be. Should I include them?" "I remember this person from back in the day and they seem like the type of person who may be interested, but... I just don't know". It was about 2am when I selected everyone. Some were selected intentionally, some were not, and some were even overlooked. I was tired, a bit conflicted about who to include, overwhelmed by the couple hundred names I had to choose from, and just wanted to be done. I quickly selected a bunch of names, thought "We'll just see; it's whatev." and went to bed about 5 minutes later.

I find people fascinating. I really do. People are intriguing creatures and I love analyzing what causes people to behave as they do. What are they thinking? What are their experiences? Why do they act like this? I am one of those creepy people that love to people watch and have no shame in admitting so. I love wondering what motivates people in their behaviors and I love being surprised by their behaviors.

This past week I was surprised by many people. The feedback I received from email and facebook really baffled me. People that I hadn't talked to since my freshman year of high school, people that I might have spoken 12 words to total, and people that seemed to be more of a "friend of a friend" than anything else were interested in my upcoming journey and extremely, even eagerly supportive. Many went beyond support and encouragement and took it to another level. Since sending out my announcement I have received feedback from at least 5 different people with contacts for me in DC, places I should go, things I should do. "I used to work with ... in DC. If you need anything, he's a great, helpful source." "I want you to meet... She does cancer research just outside Washington and is eager to meet up with you."

It has me thinking about the nature of the human species. I have always been optimistic when discussing the character of man. Is root of man good or evil? I simply couldn't bring myself to believe the ladder simply because it was an unbearable thought. Toying with that idea that man is bad seemed like such a loss. But over the past several years I have allowed myself to go there. To think and really analyze our species' motives.

People, in general, care about their fellow man. People want to help others. The fact that most people are bothered the "depressing" stories in the news can provide at least a little proof for that. We don't like to see others in distress. Yes, there are many people in pain, who have basic needs not being met. And yes, sometimes it is caused by another man. But where ever there is human suffering, you will also find compassionate people ready to serve.

Sometimes you have to put in the effort and look for the good. But I prefer to spend my life searching for good, rather than feeling overpowered by the bad.

The realization.

A couple weeks ago I was out backpacking in New Mexico with some folks from my church. Someone had asked me what time it was. I looked at my watched and replied "3:15". I then took a second look. My stomach sank. I felt like my intestines shifted. And then it hit me, "July 15th. I have one month until I leave. One month until everything changes."

It was no longer some far off date in the future that I would eventually get to like thinking about high school graduation when you're in 5th grade. It was real. And it was coming fast... Deep inhale Jenny... And exhale.

A couple days ago I was in my room folding laundry. My mom came in to tell me something about my sister or remind me of something I needed to do and then left. 2 minutes later she came back in my room. She looked at me and said, "I think I just realized you're leaving." I looked at her and nodded as if to say, "Yeah. I know that feeling." She walked over, sat next to me on my bed, put her arms around me, and tears fell from us both.

"I just want the best for you Jenny." I can hear her words replaying in my head and sniffling in the background, though I can't tell which of us is the sniffle originator. A few seconds of silence. "I'm really going to miss you." A few more seconds of silence. "You'll be wonderful. I know you will. You'll do great. I believe in you. I'm so proud."

I've increasingly thought more and more about the move the past week and go through waves of different emotions. Excitement. "It's a new location, a new life, new people, it's Washington DC! I'll learn so so so much, what an opportunity!" Doubt. "Will I be able to sufficiently help people? This is heavy stuff. Will I adjust? Can I do this?" Fear. "What have I got myself into? I've spent the majority of my life in Wylie, TX. Freaking Shelteredtown, USA. No, it's not even Shelteredtown. It's in the suburbs of Shelteredtown. You can't get much more protected! I've never lived in (actually IN) a big metropolitan city. Urban living? Really Jenny?!"

Those feelings happen unexpectedly, are intense, but fleeting. I'll get a rush of excitement and then I'm left not knowing what hit me or where the new jolt of energy I have came from. Similarily other times I'll be bombarded with anxious questions, I'll tense up, and on a couple occasions my eyes water and a tear drops. It all happens in no more than 5 seconds. I take and deep breath in... then exhale... There.

Those are the times when I hear a familiar voice replaying in my head. "You'll be wonderful. I know you will. You'll do great. I believe in you. I'm so proud." I hear my mom's voice, my dad's voice my best friends. I hear my Gloria Dei pals, old teammates, coworkers, my therapist. I hear the voices of those who know me best and those who don't know me well but regardlessly remain exceedingly supportive. All the wonderful people in my life. For several reasons, I don't use the word "blessed" much, but I can't think of a better time to reflect on how fortunate I am. Yes, I am extremely blessed. And finally, I start listening to and allowing myself to believe one last voice. It is the one and only voice that matters in a time of self doubt. I start listening to myself. "You'll do great. I believe in you." Breath in. "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." Breath out. "Get ready to serve. Get ready to learn. And enjoy."